“And I said to my body softly, “I want to be your friend.” It took a long breath and replied, “I have been waiting my whole life for this.”
I don’t talk about being plus size. I actually try to avoid it at every twist and turn in my life. I know how much I weigh & I know it’s more than most the people in my life. I have been like this for the majority of my 26 years. I will not say I was fat in high school, but I was definitely different from the girls on my soccer team & I was definitely wearing a size 10 while my friends were wearing 2’s & 4’s. I was bullied for being different. I vividly remember sitting in my sports medicine class having to hear the boys call me “big mac”. At this point in my life I was 5’5 and about 150 lbs. I was not fat. I was the average size for my height. I remember fighting with my mom about the prom dress she wanted me to wear because I felt uncomfortable in it. She didn’t understand because it did look beautiful, but it showed off parts of my body that I had always been taunted about. How do you tell your mom this though when you are ashamed of it yourself? So she probably went on with the rest of the day thinking I was just being a brat. I don’t want you thinking I didn’t have a good youth because I did. I had boyfriends who really liked me and friends that loved me. I played sports and enjoyed myself, but my weight has always controlled my life because society has always made it an issue.
I think people assume that I don’t understand my size, like I’m oblivious to the fact that I’m different because I walk around with a smile on my face and I’m a genuinely care free, lovable person. How dare I be happy? I live with this body 24/7 and I live with the constant and unrelenting hate that I feel, see, and hear from the rest of the world…about my OWN body. I see the side eyes when I’m out enjoying myself at dinner with my boyfriend. I feel the judgement when I order a burger instead of the grilled chicken. Does my boyfriend get this same judgement or my best friend who is a size 6? No. I see the up and down glances while I’m checking you out at the register of the “regular” size store where I work. I see the questioning in your eyes about why I don’t care about myself. I hear the you loud and clear when you make slights about my life choices even though you have a smile on your face and a sympathetic look in your eyes. What do you want me to say?
“Oh my God, you are right why haven’t I realized how big I am?”
“I wouldn’t have been able to pull myself out of this hole without your insult at my food choice”.
“You are so educated on my life and the way I live, please make all my choices for me.”
Get over yourselves.
Let me just say this, and I’m not trying to speak for other plus size women although I probably am, the same hate I see/hear/feel on a daily basis is the same hate in my own head repeating itself over and over. There are nights where I stand in front of my mirror and just have tears streaming down my face because I feel helpless & stuck. I have tears streaming down my face just writing this blog post. I have to fight myself some times when Rich wants to touch me and I wonder why. I have to mentally prepare myself to see people I don’t regularly see because my weight is the forefront of who I am when people see me. I’ve been approached by health nuts about my options and opinions on diet plans. I’ve been given sympathetic glances like I’m asking you to feel sorry for me. How dare you assume that I live any less of a life than you do. I have a man who loves and adores me. I have friends who don’t see my size. I am living a life I have always dreamed that I would have. I know my weight is something that needs to change, for my health, not for your fucked up version of how you think I should look. I am terrified of the world I will bring my children into.
How am I supposed to explain to my daughter that she might get boobs early in life like me and girls will hate her and push her away because of this? How do I explain to her that because she might have bigger thighs and isn’t a size 2 she will be humiliated on a regular basis? It’s a pathetic world we live in where children are faced with this shame and form body dis-morphia because of it. I adore the women and companies that are trying to change the taboo that surrounds being plus size, but society is in a deep deep hole of self-righteousness. Being skinny rules our world and even people who are not healthy are lecturing us on what is wrong with our lifestyles. I will say right here and now that this goes for woman who are skinny as well. This issue is not solely something plus size girls struggle with. Society is OBSESSED and has an unhealthy relationship with women’s bodies.
How do you know what I do in my daily life? I am not as healthy as I want to be, but you probably assume I live off fast food, sodas, and junk food, right? I cook Rich and I dinner every single night, except date night. I cook portioned & healthy meals. Do I sometimes choose to have something that isn’t healthy? YES I DO. Do I like Moe’s a little too much? Yes I do. Do I also crave vegetables more than any other food that I eat? Yes I do. I have an unhealthy relationship with food and I will admit that. I obsess over what I put in my mouth. I obsess to the point of madness which turns into a binge. This is something I have been working on and I will most likely continue to work on the rest of my life. I do not exercise every single day. I spend about 20 minutes a day walking Piper around our neighborhood. I do some cardio and weightlifting if I have time in my day. I am not a stationary person. I do struggle with the drive and motivation to do things some days. I will stand in our home gym and just beg my mind to corporate. I have great days for weeks at a time where I become determined and focused and then the hate is there again in the form of a strangers comment or my own mind turning against me. I’m left feeling empty and back to square one.
I sometimes have to bribe myself out of bed because all I want to do is close the world off. I have a hard time living with who I am and that hurts me to my core. It hurts my relationships because I put off a physical moment with Rich or a family event or even a social event. I want more than anything in this whole world to not feel such hatred towards my own body. Before you even think, “just workout” or “just be positive”. At this point in my life it’s more than that. It’s more than just working out to get a better body. It’s more than just putting on a positive front. It is learning to love myself again after years of the world telling me I’m not worth the love. It’s putting on my makeup and just telling myself it’s not worth the struggle. It’s walking into work in ripped jeans and a flowy top because that’s what big girls wear. It’s having to fake a smile when someone makes a comment that is rude. I am having to teach myself to live life how I want to live it. I do not condone living an unhealthy life. I do support making changes to better yourself so that you can live the fullest life you can. What I want people to understand is that just because someone is a fuller size, this does not mean they are unhealthy or unworthy of living a happy life. This does not mean you can put them down or offer them unwarranted advice on their own life. Live your own life, just like they are. Focus on teaching yourself how to love others for who they are not how they look.
Everyone is struggling with their own issues and unless called upon, your opinions on their life do not matter. Again, they do not matter. I’m going to leave this here along with the emotions I felt while I wrote it. I’m going to move on and live my life and experience my own happiness. I will take the sideways glances and unwelcome comments with a grain of salt while I learn to love myself again. I expect days where I feel like less of a person, but my goal in life is to rise above that. I want to make myself healthy again mentally and physically for me, not the version of me society expects.